The perfect balance

I am a working mummy, a part time working mummy. I am very lucky that I have family who can watch the little bear on Mondays when I am at work; hubby doesn't work Tuesday & Wednesdays so he can get quality daddy-baby time too.

I knew I had no choice in the matter; I had to go back to work. We simply cannot afford for me to be a stay at home mummy.

When little bear was born, I loved it. I loved watching him, staring at him, holding him. I was 100% completely head over heels smitten in love with him (and I still am).

I absolutely dreaded the thought of returning to work, it made me sick. I didn't want to leave him; I wanted to spend all my time with him! Irrational thoughts entered my head, "what if he forgets about me!?" "what if he hates me for leaving him!?"

But as ridiculous as it sounds, I was lonely too, I craved a conversation that didn't revolve around how many poops he had had that day.

A part of me needed to go back to work, to see different faces, to talk about different things. Mostly I listen to other peoples conversations, because my only interest is my son. And I hate the thought that I have turned into one of them really annoying women those ONLY talks about their children.

But that's the reality, my world starts and ends with him. He is 99% of what I talk about, and even when I don't mean to, I will still steer the conversation back to him.

I have 'got used' to going back to work now, and part of me is enjoying it. But to say that out loud makes me feel so guilty, I can sense I am being judged for enjoying time away for my child - I probably aren't, but it’s those irrational thoughts again.

Today was one of the days I really didn't want to go in, I felt sick in the shower thinking about leaving him; I put off leaving the house until the absolute last minute so I could spend a little longer with him.

I got through the day, looking at the clock and counting down until we were home together.

He was being dropped off at 5:30 today.

As soon as the clock struck 5:30 I kept peeping out of the windows to see if he was there... the longest 5 minutes of my life!

I have no idea why I felt like that today, I knew he was safe, I knew he was happy, and you know what he probably needs to see a face that isn't mine too!

I know that he missed me; he pointed to me as soon as he walked through the door, gave me a snorty huffy blow (to tell me he was mad that I left him) then reached out to give me the biggest cuddle.

Everyone is different and everyone does what's best for their circumstances, but I have got my perfect balance.