Dear Austin

So much has happened, my baby turned 1! I now have a 1 year, a perfect boy that I have shared a year with, and it has been an absolute pleasure.

It has been a very different and difficult at times, 12 months, but I have loved every second. Even the times when I saw 3 am a little more than I wanted to.

On 03/04/2014, I woke up, thinking it was just another day, I did the labour dance and went about my usual day, we watched ‘The Intern’ and laughed and laughed... real belly laughs.

The weather was nice, and we wanted to spruce the garden up (have I really just used the word ‘spruce’ !?) so we headed to B&Q after tea. We arrived and some pains started, I ignored them, thinking they were the Braxton hicks again, but they were getting stronger, especially when I was in the queue, the only thing to help was to rock back and forth, I might add that no one offered to let us go ahead of them!

On the drive home, I had a big show; the pains were still coming, so I rang the hospital, they asked me to come in for a check over, in all the excitement I hadn’t noticed if Austin was moving.

We got to the hospital at 10pm, the midwife confirmed all was fine, but did say I was in slow labour, she told me to go home, get myself comfortable because I was going to be in for a long night!

Things really stepped up a notch when we got back home, so I took her advice of a bath and took the time to shave my legs ready! I tried to have a paracetamol, more advice, it was cruched into jam on toast – this did not help.

Richard put TV on while I paced through my contractions, stomping through room to room, swaying, rocking, breathing... I ranged the hospital, they said it was still soon to go back in and asked me to wait until midnight and call back.

I didn’t make it to midnight, the same midwife answered the phone when I rang back, I didn’t even manage to say my name, but she knew, she told me to come in.

That car journey, to the hosptial, I watched the clock, knowing as the time passed what was coming. But also getting mad with myself because I knew much worse was coming, so I needed to toughen up!

Richard parked far away from the hospital, and since it was late, the main door was shut, far too much walking than I was capable of, but I managed it. I was unable to say my name to check in.

It was a long night, I was swinging from the roof on the ropes, demanding my back be massaged (poor Richard), pacing the room, asking to for the air and to go into the water – I got my wish, in I went.

I was in the pool for a long time, all I remember is the smell of cheese and onion crisps – Richard made his way through many packets...

It was time to push...

And push...

The head was out, I touched him, it was amazing, but terrifying, it was what I needed to get the rest of him out.

12:16 04/04/2014 – Austin was born.

The most amazing feeling, my son entered the world. I loved him, I knew I would love him, but I loved him a million times more than I thought I would. He was perfect, I just held him in arms, staring at him, feeling a million different emotions all in one go. I looked at husband and I felt so much more love for him, my family was complete.

Much more yukiness followed:

The delivery of the placenta - I needed the gas and air.

A few grazes - I needed stitches.

My baby needed feeding – I had no milk.

My baby needed feeding – he refused a bottle, I still had no milk.

I wanted to go home – I wasn’t allowed.

I finally discharged myself at 10 pm, much to the midwives disapproval, but I needed to go home. I needed to rest, but I was not going to get any rest. Not for the next 12 months...

It has been the most incredible, amazing year, watching him grow and learn. Seeing his first smile, hearing his first laugh, watching him roll for the first time, and scaring the bejeezus out of me when I saw him face down on the baby monitor! Watching him learn to crawl, learn to cruise, learn to walk, hearing him babbling. His sheer joy and excitement at everyday objects that we take for granted. He has opened my eyes to see the world again, through his eyes and I love him even more for that.

To my darling baby boy, I love you.

Happy first birthday xxx